So today's my 33rd birthday. Ugh, I would love to say that I am happy about this fact, but I will admit that my birthday has always been a source of sadness for me. This year is no exception. There have been years past that I have gotten through it with out tears, but the majority of them, I have cried. Isn't that the stupidist thing you've ever heard? I cry because it's my birthday? Stupid.
Even as a small child, my grandmother said, as early as she can remember, I have cried. What child cries at the prospect of presents and a birthday party? Freak. Maybe that's why I go so overboard for my kids birthdays. Hmmm, maybe I should mention this to my therapist.
Many years past, my bestie and my cousin threw me an amazing surprise party. In hindsight, it shows how much they loved me and wanted my day to be special. I have so much love for them, I'm embarrassed to even admit what an asshole I was. Unfortunately, the culmination of events leading up to the the party, was a perfect storm for me, emotionally. Firstly - I hate surprises at the best of times. It makes me feel like people have been scheming behind my back. Again - Therapist? Secondly - the "love of my life" at the time had broken up with me and was dating someone else. Thirdly - I proceeded to get totally drunk at dinner before the party. Lastly - I had a MASSIVE temper tantrum and threw my shoes......I'm horribly humiliated that I even just wrote that down for you to read. Needless to say, this topic is still mentioned every birthday. As it should be. What a rotten thing to do to people who love you. No one has ever thrown me a surprise party since.....
As a child August 7 was always a reminder that it was only 4 weeks until school started, and I would spend those last weeks leading up to September with trepidation and anxiety of what the first few days of school would hold. My birthday always meant uncontrolled change for me as well. It meant the years were passing much faster than I had anticipated. I hate change. Are you starting to see a pattern here? Can you imagine what a mess I was as a child? Ugh, all over a birthday? But I suppose in life, each one of us has something that we keep tucked away from others. Something that makes us different, or a little eccentric. I suppose it's the parts of us that create who we are as individuals. even if it makes us weird to the outside world.
This year however, I cried not only because it was my birthday, but because this year marks 10 years since I lost my Gran. It was 10 years ago today that I hugged her for the last time.
I lived 2 hours away from my home town. My dad and grandparents had come to spend the day. I was in a horrible relationship. We were too young, and awful together. Gran hated him.
She and I spent the day together, shopping and picking up canning supplies for the fruit trees in my back yard. This was the first time I would ever make jam by myself, without her. So it was a pretty big deal for her to buy me everything I needed. We went out for dinner, and it was getting late by the time my family was getting ready to go. It was extremely hard to say goodbye, and have to stay in a town I hated, with a man that I no longer wanted to be with. I wanted to pack my bags and jump in the van with them, and go home. As we said good bye, Gran stood there, arms wrapped around my waist, head on my chest and my chin placed on top of her head. She teared up and wouldn't let go. Neither would I. No words were exchanged. She pulled back and looked into my eyes, holding back tears. We didn't have to say anything. One more lingering hug, and she headed out my door. I sobbed as I waved goodbye. As I closed the door, I said the words out loud "I don't think I'm ever going to see her again". I was right. It was one week later that I received the call that she had a massive heart attack, and didn't survive. It was one week later that my entire world as I had always known it, would come to a shattering halt. It has changed me forever.
We all have someone in our life that moulds us into who we become, and change us forever when they leave. Whether it's a parent, a sibling, and grandparent, a friend, aunt uncle....the list goes on. We are all connected to someone that knows you, and loves you no matter what an asshole you can be. For me, this was Gran. After she passed, I had SO many people tell me how much she loved me. I was perplexed at this outpouring of affection from people. I was perplexed because I found myself saying "ya, I know?" It took me many years to put the reasoning for this together. People where telling me, because they thought I didn't know. I began to realize that people always say "I wish I had told them, or I wish I had said". To this day, I have the serenity of knowing with all my soul, that there was nothing left unsaid. We all knew how much we loved each other. My family is like that. We have always said everything that we feel, because if anything ever happens......
So on a day when most people are thrilled to celebrate, and be happy. I am going to spend the day with my kids and clean my house. My husband is away working, so there will be no birthday dinner, cake or presents. I'm o.k. with that. I have everything I need right here in my home, and I want for nothing else. I will probably cry for most of the day, so don't be surprised by that. I will most likely pick up fast food for dinner, have a nap, and let my kids watch too much tv. Big R was pretty disappointed that there would be no cake. So I guess to make him happy, I'll pick something up. I mean really, it's a shame to let the little ones down....
So as I settle into one more year, I have hopes for the future. If I was to make a wish today, it would be for my health. I would wish that my hubby and I could sneak away for a little vacation, just the two of us. I am so thankful for him. He is my greatest wish come true. I can say that with all my heart and soul. If you had asked me when I was a little girl, what I hoped my life would look like - it would be this. It has been a really hard road to get here, but I am so grateful for what we have. It might not be much to some, but to me, it's everything. That is the greatest gift of all.
No comments:
Post a Comment